Bloody Brits

I would like all of you to know that Fiji isn’t just paradise and relaxation, there is stress involved. Like you read in the last blog entry Caitlin and I went on a lovely cruise in the Mamanuca Islands, and how inconvenient that the American’s decide the next weekend would be the best time to actually go back where I just was. Aaaahh how frustrating and ridiculous, putting me in such a pickle! Do I want to spend a weekend on a tropical island surrounded by reefs or sit in my bedroom for a weekend? I went of course, so before I continue I would like you all to know the weekend was fantastic.
First though there was a birthday party for Erika the Torontonian. It all started off well because I was fed and I think that will probably is the single easiest way to make me happy. Nothing really outrageous happened to tell you the truth at least that I normally have to tell, but I guess Erika was sent to bed by 9:30, so congrats on the birthday. Out I really couldn’t get the groove dancing so I sat. I talked to a group of locals who were with my gay roommate from Lautoka. The only memorable thing was that one’s name was Jemimah like the pancakes I said. Of course I decided to implement my 8-12 plan, and it was very successful. I couldn’t say that much for my colleagues.
I feel our crew can probably pick a better time to party all night. Turns out most of them didn’t even go to bed before the 6 am bus arrival. Of course due to drunken sleepiness we didn’t leave until 6:30, but Fiji time makes it ok. A number of times I popped my head into Edgar’s room and yell at him. “Edgar!?!?! GET UP!!” He would sit up and immediately close his eyes and drop back down. “HEYH Don’t go laying back down we got stuff to do now get up!” Eventually after 2-3 visits and a whole bunch of grumbling he was up and perky as can be.
The mini bus ride was less than desirable, because we were split and ours had a few errands to run up in the mountains of Suva Fiji. We picked up some guy who was traveling all the way to Nadi to sell about 100 brooms, and I think he was drunk which made it kind of awkward to see him stumbling around the bus. We arrived and sat in the sun for about 45 minutes because the guy who was supposed to transfer us to our special boat transfer area didn’t want to be there in the 10 minutes that he said he would be. Once he did show up it was just a guy in normal attire, and he decided to ask for the full payment before anything happened. We gave him the money a little skeptically, and when he didn’t have a van or anything, and was just walking around looking lost created a few suspicions. He said he would follow us in a taxi, but luckily our group wasn’t having any of that, and made sure someone was with him at all times so we didn’t get screwed. Well our distrust and efforts to protect our investment were all in vain because he turned out to be legit.
Once we got to the beach our guy was getting yelled at by an officer and another random guy. They were speaking in Fijian, go figure, but I did hear “you lied” and “don’t do this again. I sort of pieced things together after seeing what we were doing, which was boarding two 18 ft fishing boats to drive a bunch of wanna be tourists to an island. I felt like Cuban immigrants attempting to escape into Florida crowded on a tiny little boat with the police are after us. After a grueling 45 bumpy minute teeny boat ride we arrived at our destination of Mana Island.
The island and lodge was superb, but the only problem was our host Bosko swore an excessive amount, almost to the point of being awkward. He was so generous as to give us the go ahead to walk down to the 5 star resort which is on the beach and use their facilities, because they don’t like it when a backpacker does that. I took advantage of this figuring a 5 star would have at least real toilet seat, but just my luck it was plastic. The accommodations at the backpackers weren’t anything special with 8 beds and a bathroom and shower the latter being one I really didn’t use the whole weekend, sweet smells of my manly odors giving a backpackers the proper aroma of traveler.
The first evening was semi uninteresting. All of our group crashed early and the foreigners were all grouped up nice and tight leaving me out. Luckily I got to talk to some Frenchies, and they told someone else I sound like the American’s in the movies. In your face everyone who said I have a silly accent and laughed at me when I say root and roof similar to rut and ruf. The next early rise morning was breakfast, and then a quick or should I say painfully slow and painfully as in ouch my bare feet hurt when walking over dry dead thick stalks of weeds. We went up to the top of some dinky little hill that was the tallest on the island, but yet wasn’t very big. We circumnavigated the entire island and did a little freelance rock climbing, which I got a little excited about doing and while Eli and I were descending I sort of was moving too fast and kicked a loose rock, which sort of fell and smoked his ankle. Luckily the damage was minimal. Besides dangerously painful adventures we also were able to search the ruins of the Survivor Fiji set. This was actually really stupid because there were sand burs everywhere and if you saw the island it sort of just really makes you question how much surviving they actually had to do. Seriously there was 30 ft of uninhabited island, so great job survivors you really outdid yourselves this time.
Later that day I found myself in a sticky situation. I was looking at a puppy with Claire in the settlement behind our dorm, and was instantly surrounded by kids. A number of them had candy either in their hands or all over their face. One bold young male wearing about 3 layers of clothing and the outer one being a plaid dress came up and started pulling on my hands. So I attempted to play by fake dropping him. Since that didn’t seem like enough fun I simply began to shake him just like everyone has been taught not to, but luckily it was only his arms. At first he was confused, but once I started to make the crazy “agagagagaga” noise you make when going over a bump in a car he began to mimic me and laugh hysterically. Next thing I now another kid pushed him out of the way saying “ME!” and so I shook him and then another shove and a new customer. And so we danced until my arms were completely numb from the wiggles luckily Claire picked up a number of customers. When I stood up to leave they all sort of stood around me and looked hungry for more. So I did what I knew I could outdo them at; I ran. I always enjoy a good old little unathletic child chase, because if there was ever a moment when I felt as if I had moves, and everyone knows that isn’t true, this is the only time I do. Ducking and dodging for a while I thought I bid farewell but the followed me down to the beach where they actually continued the chase. At the point of exhaustion it was all over for me. I thought I could handle all 5 of them, but you add up 40 pounders they begin to have a little weight behind them. They hit me from all angles in the knees shins ankles hip, but I was an unstoppable beast until one of the kids got clever and kicked out the back of my knee and it was all downhill from there. Dog pile after dog pile I was beaten by 5 little island children out for blood. The worst part was the sand burn from them trying to jump on my shoulders and slipping off. Everything was ok until they started chucking sand and then I dumped them on the hammockers to rain all over their relaxation.



Of course me being awesome and 5 years old on the inside I wanted to be buried. Well, as I was digging my awesome hole, Fiji got to me again. The inability to properly dispose of garbage strikes with the swiftness of a ferocious Cheetah. All of a sudden slice goes my finger and I look down to see a large chunk of glass 1 foot below the surface. And then began the war on garbage. I even had to pay for a crummy band aid because the incompetence with garbage ruined my dig. Luckily I was able to be created into the beautiful mermaid I always wanted to be. We buried Claire next and unfortunately a young Fijian girl said she could make something erect in the middle of Claire’s body and made a gesture I don’t think anyone should really make in the same sequence of talking about such things, and she was probably 8. Ewwww, whoever told her that, I know I don’t like them.
Later that evening there was a birthday party for one of the backpackers and I intended to join. Being properly dressed in my most formal of jean shorts and ninja turtles shirt I added on the super awesome moustache, which was the theme of the party, and being such a tough guy I am, I rocked none other than the handlebars. First activity planned for the evening was a fun Fijian quiz, which was meant for newbs to the Fiji Islands, which I would have probably gotten none wrong, but apparently someone who has been there for 10 days on one tiny island can tell me all about the language. Bula Vinaka, yes I understand by themselves it is hello and thank you, but no one uses those two phrases next to each other. Together it magically transforms into the Welcome form, believe it… or not.
Luckily everyone was bored so I could be the perkiest one at the party at the moment living it up, but everyone else’s mind was elsewhere. I discovered where when the cooler filled with their ordered mixed drink arrived, and then they started to be unexcited and drink great. Well I was still enjoying myself making new friends until the most disturbing and unexpected thing happened. I would like to say that there may are limits to the world, and to what sort of things people want to read. What I am going to describe is exactly what I saw and how I interpreted the situation. If you do not wish to read an experience which not only scared me for life, but also turned me racist against British men in the age group from 19-23. Skip to “after departure.”
We were about to play a game that I never heard of called pass the parcel when a very funny individual yelled “Harry has to play naked because its his birthday” Oh how funny I thought, but Harry won’t, and he was naked just like that wiggling his member back and forth to add a little life to the situation. I couldn’t say that was why I was there, but I figured it would be done soon. Oh how wrong I was, twas only the beginning. Soon after his friend showed up and noticed that he wasn’t naked and decided to join in the good fun doing the hip swing right along with his good good friend. Apparently they were too good of friends because the latter to show up decided it was a great idea to grab Harry’s hips and begin a good hump from behind. I looked around at all of the people as I made gasps and terrified faces of utter disturbance, and everyone seemed almost neutral about the whole ordeal. Well great news, Harry knows how not to be taken advantage of and decided he wanted in on the fun. So he turned to his friend and in this moment I knew something was awful because they began to giggle like little school girls. They grabbed their boy parts and began to slap them together. I was back to the dorms instantly. The next day no one mentioned it, and everyone held strong, apparently I was told it is a common party practice in Britain. Later that night rumor has it things moved to the face and they made out. If only American’s knew how to enjoy a party, because there are just so many fun opportunities out there that we can do with our goods we would be foolish not to take full advantage of it.
After Departure. Well I really didn’t want to start it that way, but so people could skip the horrific tale. Good news, I bumped into a rogue group of Yanks who knew better than to go to the party and were pretty happy they didn’t after my detailed report. We headed to the other side of the island to make a bonfire and enjoy our time away from the British. Unfortunately we weren’t so lucky. There was a bonfire opposite ours on the beach, which was populated by a group of those dirty Red Coats. Well we were playing with the fire like all good American boys and girls do, and they yelled over “stupid yanks starting themselves on fire.” Being a little caught off guard we just sort of ignored it. Though we were burning ourselves on occasion they don’t have any reason to be yelling at us. Childlike fun ensued where I found an awesome stick that looked like a battle ax, so I swung that around for nearly a half hour, but then the plan was born. We so systematically built a large TP over the fire about 5 feet high so it wouldn’t burn. Then we collected a whole bunch of palm branches and distributed them equally in 5 piles around the TP. Synchronized as the swimming teams we placed the branches on and waited. Soon after KABOOM the entire island was illuminated by our enormous fire. We danced around hooting and hollering like the cannibal tribes of Fiji may have back in the day, it was such a triumphant moment.


Well, the evening was spectacular, but the British were really upset with us and they wanted to let us know. They knew that the one thing that would set us off is to unexpectedly attack our government’s international policy and some domestic issues while they are at it. The tough guys were leaving the beach and ever so cleverly yell over “get out of Iraq, and stop shooting each other!” NOOOOO how could anyone disagree with the beliefs I hold so near and dear to my heart, and say such a thing. Great job guys you cut me deep I ‘m going back and am writing a letter to my representative immediately saying that we need, with all emphasis possible on need, to stop shooting us, the British said so. And that pretty much concludes my decision to dislike the British. We won the war get over it.
Unfortunately the weekend needed to come to a close sooner or later. Can’t say I made any friends, but the ones I had seemed to do well enough. Luckily our little fishing boats weren’t apprehended by the Fiji domestic coast guard on our return trip. What a lovely day to return back to school . Fortunately there was still fun to be had.
We went to a certain little restaurant for a Australearn dinner and reflection night with the ladies of the international students office, and had a buffet style meal. I only ate until I was full, and I didn’t feel like bursting, and fortunately since I didn’t eat everything they sent it home with me anyways. HOORAY more free food, but way too much.
The next night we had a potluck where I cooked cow heart. I didn’t tell anyone what it was until everyone ate it, and then asked them BAHAHA (evilly). Fortunately people weren’t upset just a bit surprised how good it was, as was I. Another lovely time in the Fijian adventures of the little mister sees too much. Thank you British